Do you think I'm beautiful?
Word Count: 1,740
Beach Towel. Kerry James Marshall. 2014.
"Do you think I'm beautiful?" she asked while I took pictures of her half-naked body. She immediately shifted her position so that her legs were overlapping one another, and turned her black-pearl emulating face towards the sun so that it's light made the glitter on her cheeks shimmer. I took a step back and took another picture of her with my camera, and responded, "Of course."
Later on, while I was buying the acrylic paint and PVC panel that the artist would use to re-adapt the photograph into a painting, I thought about her question... I did not understand why she would ask me if I thought she was beautiful when she was inexplicably gorgeous. Everything about her was beautiful, and her personality matched everything that her exterior portrayed to people. At first, I thought I was just overthinking the question, and that she was just flirting with me, but something about the way she asked me seemed so sincere.
I could just barely understand her questions too, her accent was thick. She called it a hybrid accent because she grew up in the Dominican Republic but had lived in Alabama since she was ten. I was assuming she meant her accent was a combo of a Dominican accent in English and a "country" accent as my friends in the Northern part of America called it. I told her that I could tell she was foreign because her accent was definitely not just the stereotypical "country" accent I had heard in movies, and she laughed and said she wished others picked up on the same thing. I didn't ask any more questions and said she was beautiful again. When I told her that for the second time she smiled with her white teeth and seemed so happy and proud that I thought so.
Her statement made me think about how America is honestly so perplexing... I don't say it often because people always seem to get offended by my confusion. One time, I was dragged along to a social justice conference, and all of the people on the panel were "Black," as called here in the U.S. When asked if they identified most with their gender or race, they all replied that their race was most important. Even the women on the panel would say things such as, "I'm Black, and then I'm a woman." Perhaps this is naïve of me, but what is the difference? I'm a man, but I've always considered myself a man before the brown complexion I inherited from my African-Muslim descended family, because how else am I supposed to relate to those who look different from me. Why can't I be anything else first, or have another identity underneath all of that?
I could see that each and every single one of the people on the panel in front of me was so distinctly Black and that each and every single one of them was so educated, but I wondered why they needed to annunciate the most apparent part of themselves instead of talking about others. I wondered why their understanding of color or race, and how it is portrayed, was so binary. There was no space for wiggle room. During the questions panel, I just decided to hide my ignorance.
This was in New York City a couple of weeks ago, until I received the call from Kerry. He told me that he had read over my resume and that he would hire me as his assistant. So, here I am for the next year, interning and eating all types of food that make me nauseous... but that's another story :)
Ding. I finally made it to his house and was waiting for him to open the door. He had a cigarette in his hand and was looking at his cell phone when I walked in.
"Hey Cory!" he said while I walked in towards his art room.
"Hey Kerry!"
"How did it go?"
"Great, the model was absolutely stunning."
"Like if you weren't gay you'd date her?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, let's see the quality of your photographs."
He eyed each and every single one of the recently printed pictures.
"The way you played with the lighting was great, and it's all absorbed by her skin," he said, "how long was the shoot?"
"About three hours, she brought multiple outfits and insisted that I take pictures of her in all of them. How did you meet her?"
"I was teaching a Drawing Fundamentals class on human portraits at Alabama State, and she was one of the nude models that volunteered to help us out. It made me proud to see such a dark-skinned woman so happy and unapologetically accepting of herself."
"What do you mean by that?" My intrigue had reached its peak, and I saw the perfect opportunity to understand the American viewpoint of race.
"You don't see a lot of dark Black women being so confident in themselves sometimes, and I think it's sad. Wow, now this is a picture!" He was holding one of the very last pictures that I took of her.
"Yes, she asked me if I thought she was beautiful while I was taking that picture of her."
"Oh really? And what did you tell her?"
"I said of course and continued to take more pictures of her! But why is it.... so one and two here? I feel that being Black here is so different than where I'm from? For instance, I really don't understand why she would even ask such a question."
"Well, for starters, it's ingrained in a lot of folks heads that lighter is better. Light-skin this, and white girls that, we're such a whitewashed society that no one ever thinks that such a rich shade of Black is equally is beautiful. Excuse me if I become a little passionate about this, it's just going to come out. I grew up during the Rosa Parks era and then moved to South Central [Los Angeles] near the Black Panthers headquarters, so it's hard not to feel some type of way about all of this, you know?"
"Well... I honestly don't. That's why I'm asking you..."
"Okay," he said looking his shoulder at me with a small smile, "I guess I'll explain! Not from that beginning... but where it will probably seem most relevant. What's the earliest you can remember seeing a Black woman on TV?"
"She was an actrice... or a dancer... my mom really loves her... Baker?"
"Josephine Baker, yeah she's cool. Do you remember anything about her? Where she's from, what she did?"
"She's American, no? And she became so famous that they loved her in France too?"
"No. She was American, and she decided to move out there because she was too dark to be on TV at the time. But, as Black people have become more incorporated in the media as entertainers, there has been a lot of us who have made it onto TV. But only now is when I think you see some really dark people appearing on the screen more often."
"I don't understand though if it's, all the same, why do Black people make such a big thing out of their skin tones? Do they love each other less if they're darker?"
"It depends. Black people, they love each other a little less as soon as they look a little bit too 'black.' Like this whole natural hair movement that's been catching fire for the last few years isn't really popular with the women who were taught that wigs, weaves, and perms are the only way to go. They're the ones who call afros nappy if their hair isn't a specific texture, and light skin and dark skin is a thing they will always notice."
"I remember my mom taught me only to date light skin girls. She said my babies would be prettier," he said while shaking his head.
"So dark in this country is ugly?" I asked.
"Not necessarily, but yes at the same time. A lot of Black men, especially ones that are older than me, think that darker isn't necessarily beautiful. They think they have to marry someone lighter than them because those are the only types of girls that other people will think are beautiful too. I just read this article too about all of this, they're calling it 'colorism.' They say it's a real thing, and I believe 'em. Even in the media you just barely see dark skin women, you only see it happening more now. Then for a dark-skinned woman to really make it big is another conversation in a media sense is even bigger."
"I see, she was Dominican."
"Really? That's interesting, I knew she had a different accent, but it still sounded a lil' country."
"Yes, I knew she was from somewhere else. Do you think the same rules apply to her?"
"It's like you said, this whole 'one and two thing.' I guess another word for it is," he stopped to think about it for a second. "Let's say dichotomy. In the eyes of many people here, you're either Black, or you're White. All of those layers underneath are secondary sometimes, unfortunately."
He put his brush down and looked back up at me. "What do you think?"
"Amazing as usual," I said, "I love how you make your people literally Black."
"Yeah, me too," he replied and then looked back at me, "Thank you!"
"No problem. So, what do people think about your own color?"
"I love my color, even if other people don't. I think that I understand all of the anger and frustrations dark-skin have, and I express that in my art. What is race like over in France?"
"It's really different. I put more thought into my religion than my race."
"Oh really? What are you?"
"I'm Muslim."
"I see, so what do you think about all of this?"
"There's more to people, but I see your point too."
He nodded and continued to paint. I started to grab some of his tools and clean up the painting supplies he finished with.
I could see that each and every single one of the people on the panel in front of me was so distinctly Black and that each and every single one of them was so educated, but I wondered why they needed to annunciate the most apparent part of themselves instead of talking about others. I wondered why their understanding of color or race, and how it is portrayed, was so binary. There was no space for wiggle room. During the questions panel, I just decided to hide my ignorance.
This was in New York City a couple of weeks ago, until I received the call from Kerry. He told me that he had read over my resume and that he would hire me as his assistant. So, here I am for the next year, interning and eating all types of food that make me nauseous... but that's another story :)
Ding. I finally made it to his house and was waiting for him to open the door. He had a cigarette in his hand and was looking at his cell phone when I walked in.
"Hey Cory!" he said while I walked in towards his art room.
"Hey Kerry!"
"How did it go?"
"Great, the model was absolutely stunning."
"Like if you weren't gay you'd date her?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, let's see the quality of your photographs."
He eyed each and every single one of the recently printed pictures.
"The way you played with the lighting was great, and it's all absorbed by her skin," he said, "how long was the shoot?"
"About three hours, she brought multiple outfits and insisted that I take pictures of her in all of them. How did you meet her?"
"I was teaching a Drawing Fundamentals class on human portraits at Alabama State, and she was one of the nude models that volunteered to help us out. It made me proud to see such a dark-skinned woman so happy and unapologetically accepting of herself."
"What do you mean by that?" My intrigue had reached its peak, and I saw the perfect opportunity to understand the American viewpoint of race.
"You don't see a lot of dark Black women being so confident in themselves sometimes, and I think it's sad. Wow, now this is a picture!" He was holding one of the very last pictures that I took of her.
"Yes, she asked me if I thought she was beautiful while I was taking that picture of her."
"Oh really? And what did you tell her?"
"I said of course and continued to take more pictures of her! But why is it.... so one and two here? I feel that being Black here is so different than where I'm from? For instance, I really don't understand why she would even ask such a question."
"Well, for starters, it's ingrained in a lot of folks heads that lighter is better. Light-skin this, and white girls that, we're such a whitewashed society that no one ever thinks that such a rich shade of Black is equally is beautiful. Excuse me if I become a little passionate about this, it's just going to come out. I grew up during the Rosa Parks era and then moved to South Central [Los Angeles] near the Black Panthers headquarters, so it's hard not to feel some type of way about all of this, you know?"
"Well... I honestly don't. That's why I'm asking you..."
"Okay," he said looking his shoulder at me with a small smile, "I guess I'll explain! Not from that beginning... but where it will probably seem most relevant. What's the earliest you can remember seeing a Black woman on TV?"
"She was an actrice... or a dancer... my mom really loves her... Baker?"
"Josephine Baker, yeah she's cool. Do you remember anything about her? Where she's from, what she did?"
"She's American, no? And she became so famous that they loved her in France too?"
"No. She was American, and she decided to move out there because she was too dark to be on TV at the time. But, as Black people have become more incorporated in the media as entertainers, there has been a lot of us who have made it onto TV. But only now is when I think you see some really dark people appearing on the screen more often."
"I don't understand though if it's, all the same, why do Black people make such a big thing out of their skin tones? Do they love each other less if they're darker?"
"It depends. Black people, they love each other a little less as soon as they look a little bit too 'black.' Like this whole natural hair movement that's been catching fire for the last few years isn't really popular with the women who were taught that wigs, weaves, and perms are the only way to go. They're the ones who call afros nappy if their hair isn't a specific texture, and light skin and dark skin is a thing they will always notice."
"I remember my mom taught me only to date light skin girls. She said my babies would be prettier," he said while shaking his head.
"So dark in this country is ugly?" I asked.
"Not necessarily, but yes at the same time. A lot of Black men, especially ones that are older than me, think that darker isn't necessarily beautiful. They think they have to marry someone lighter than them because those are the only types of girls that other people will think are beautiful too. I just read this article too about all of this, they're calling it 'colorism.' They say it's a real thing, and I believe 'em. Even in the media you just barely see dark skin women, you only see it happening more now. Then for a dark-skinned woman to really make it big is another conversation in a media sense is even bigger."
"I see, she was Dominican."
"Really? That's interesting, I knew she had a different accent, but it still sounded a lil' country."
"Yes, I knew she was from somewhere else. Do you think the same rules apply to her?"
"It's like you said, this whole 'one and two thing.' I guess another word for it is," he stopped to think about it for a second. "Let's say dichotomy. In the eyes of many people here, you're either Black, or you're White. All of those layers underneath are secondary sometimes, unfortunately."
He put his brush down and looked back up at me. "What do you think?"
"Amazing as usual," I said, "I love how you make your people literally Black."
"Yeah, me too," he replied and then looked back at me, "Thank you!"
"No problem. So, what do people think about your own color?"
"I love my color, even if other people don't. I think that I understand all of the anger and frustrations dark-skin have, and I express that in my art. What is race like over in France?"
"It's really different. I put more thought into my religion than my race."
"Oh really? What are you?"
"I'm Muslim."
"I see, so what do you think about all of this?"
"There's more to people, but I see your point too."
He nodded and continued to paint. I started to grab some of his tools and clean up the painting supplies he finished with.
Dear Cynthia,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful piece of artwork that you've chosen. I like too how you took a lot of time with this piece. It felt like you were really engaged with the story. How did it feel for you? This is particularly good for what we're discussing next week, which is dialogue. You were one of the few bloggers who used dialogue to tell the story and you have a natural understanding of the cadence of language and how people speak. One thing to do with dialogue is to read it out loud (we will be doing this in class too), so you can see where you can cut and get to the heart of what's being said. in fiction, dialogue must always be doing two things at once---often forwarding the story and also revealing character. If it's extra talk, even if it's realistic, it's unnecessary. Are there places here where you might actually create more tension by deleting extraneous dialogue? Same goes for the scenes where your narrator is telling the reader how she feels. Show it if you can---we don't necessarily want to hear character's thoughts as much as being invested in the scene. You've also taken on an important topic and you allow your characters to explore it together. fiction allows the writer a different way to explore an issue and to engage the reader too. Nice work here. I very much enjoyed this piece.